A new year, a new start……… well even tho this year started really badly ……at this moment in time everything is where and how they should finally be!!! Family altogether and plans for our wedding have been started…………………..
Sorry it took so long for me to write but its been a busy couple of months……since the last time we spoke (which was around my sons 2nd birthday). These months have been full, christmas pasted and a new year has started, i broke up for what i thought was for good. Packed up whole of house and left. We went to athens first because we had the babys passport to fix and then my ex fiance (at the time) asked me to go with him for our last week as a family to his father in germany. I argeed for my son’s sake…the only thing i wanted was to get back home (england) to my family & friends who love me.
Anyway we enjoyed a week in Germany…especially my son, he was in heaven bless him. His grandfather ownes a childs play area and we played there from am to pm!!!
Then we left his daddy at the airport, it was hard saying goodbye (when your not sure when you are next going to meet???). I have to admit i did let a few tears loose…………………………………………..
We landed in england (back home), and my sister also her husband and my niece were there to meet us. We stayed over at there house for 3nights because they live where i was brought up. My mother has moved house and lives very far away (45 minutes with car/train). Anyway …….. i won’t bore you with all the information about what we did in england. But tomorrow i will tell you all how me & my son got to see his daddy and my ex fiance again!!!
Well, i think its time to finish off with my story………………..
It was the hardest time in my life (right upto today) and dont you guys go thinking that i have passed it and its all ok now. (keep these words i will come back to it in my next post!!!)
Anyway after what had happened i just tried to forget it but it didnt help me that he was still trying to get intouch with my through the internet, telephone and even while we were out with my fiance.
I have to be honest at the time my fiance wasent helping me at all, i was soooooooo down the only time i was ok and forgeting about all our problems and i felt like the teenage women i was, was when i was in his company.
Just when we were out and i was near him, i have to say he did do some stupid things like speak to me in my ear even while my fiance was around which honestly made me feel sick. I felt so bad and disrespectful not just to my fiance tho to my whole family. My son and even my parents! I had failed everyone and i just couldnt help myself i was so down and sensitive i was just making everything worst with my words or actions.
I honestly tried, i even told him many of times just to leave me alone and that i couldnt cope no more cheating like this.
I had some really bad days that i really felt i needed him like i would be down and just need a shoulder to cry on
so i would chat to him on the internet or telephone and he would make me feel better.
And alot of the time we jsut spoke about stupid things, alot of the time i would talk to him about how i felt being a mum and with the baby.
We hardly spoke about what had happened. I think intotal we spoke once afterwards it happened and then another time just before my fiance found out.
I had him just like a friend to chat too.
I tried communicating with my fiance but everytime he would just disappear ………… i mean just with a sentence or something he would say i would push him away.
Even tho i was hurting so much inside and wanted to pull him to me as much as i could. Instead i would push him far far away…………
It just was impossible for him to understand me……..even tho he had brought me that piece of paper what he had found off the internet about the blues (posnatal depression) but he was just acting like nothing was going on and showing me that he just didnt care.
The most difficult for us i think was that we didnt know each other well enough to understand each others actions at the time. Like now without us speaking , we can both understand what the other one is feeling. We can look more into it without even talking.
I know its a pity that we had to go through that and learn this way but i do believe that it gave us both a very good lesson.
Especially me, I learnt the hard way but it was probably just written in my road (meaning it just was meant to be).
I suppose i just have to think of this way, because i can’t keep beating myself up for this mistake i made while i wasent myself.
I was ill!!!!!!!!!!!
I can finally amitted to it, I was ill, i am not perfect like everyone i am just human and yes at the time i wasent a good wife neither a good mum!!!
This will always hurt me, but its over and done now i can’t change times i can only learn from this and try and make things better.
After around 2months of this thing chewing inside of me………………….
We were going out alot in the company of the other man but we would just be ourselves.
Sometimes he would look at me and i could see it in his eyes………….. but i would just turn away!
My husband was still on a different planet, and i was still tryin to shout out to him but he would just throw it back in my face with his answer.
I didnt even want to have sex no more, i wasent confident no more about my body and i just wanted for someone to help me.
But no one was there for me just this man listening to my call for help and ok of course hes a man and he was waiting for something else but he didnt make me feel like this and i am sure he knew that we would never meet up again.
A couple of days before my fiance found out he was talking to me more and more on the internet and i was getting confused between conversations.
Your all going to think am mad but at the time i probably was…………….. (i look back myself and think woooooo that was not me!!)
I would be speaking with this man (my fiances friend) on the internet and i would think it was my fiance. Its weird now trying to explain to u guys but i would have very mixed up feelings like…….one minute i would say yeh ok all good and the next i would be like oh my god what am i doing>??? and would shut off the computer!!
Everynight i would be home alone and when me fiance was home he would go downstairs in the garage to play cards with his friends and leave me all alone.
I still remember the feeling that i was just a robot looking after him and his son.
I just needed help from someone…. someone to take interest in me………… to ask HOW I WAS!!!!
I read a nice saying in book on depression which said “After a baby is born, people forget to ask how the mother is, forget to ask her how she is coping & how she is feeling. And of course if the mum isnt ok then neither will the baby be because the mum is one who keeps the baby well!”.
I totally agree so now when i go to houses where babys have been born i always ask about baby of course but then i always look into the mums eyes and ask her how she is feeling!!!!
Anyway to finish this story off………………
Is that i did meet up with him again……. right before my fiance found out but nothing happened insept for him trying to.
I had had an agruement with my fiance at the time and my sons godmother had told me to go out with her for a few drinks with her and our male friend.
We went out spoke a little and at the end of the night we ended up at the same bar as my fiance and that man.
My fiance had also went out for some drinks with his friends and that man but he ended up leaving early but the other stayed.
Once my fiance left, that man came over and told me and i just egnored him.
I had gone out with my friends to have fun not for anythign else i just wanted to get drunk and leave all the problems behind.
I danced, laughed and joked.
All that eveving the man had came closer to our company with his friend speaking to two girls trying to make me jealous. At this point i thought what a child, what is he trying to gain.
I have to tell you the truth i didnt get jealous because i liked him i got jealous and angry because i thought he was a friend he really did feel something for me not just THE SOMETHING HE COULDNT HAVE!!
So i acted normal and didnt pay attention even when they were sending drinks over etc.
At the end i was going the toilet and i seen my fiance and this mans company of friends they shouted me over and one of his other friends got hold of me and hugged me telling me we are going to have shots.
So we did and when i returned back to the bar after the toilet the men turned around and whisphered in my ear ” ooooo is it like that then”
He was meaning that i was talking to the others and not him ……..i didnt pay any attention like i told u before i was out to forget all this shit that was going on.
But i was starting to get the picture… that this man thought it was a game!
I was like this is my life what am i doing!!!!
So the bar closed and we all left……… he told me he would take me home and i said no hes did enough!!!!!!!
When i was walking to the car he called me and told me he needs to talk to me urgently……… i told him i could speak over the internet or telephone the next day but he refused pleding me he needed to see me.
I argeed fo 5minutes. So i went and meet him in the car parking and when i got into his car he just stared at me……. at this point i was veryyyyyyyyyy drunk but still could understand everything what was going on!
I asked him what he wanted because i had to leave and go home to my family.
He started to say he needed me and that he was truely and deeply in love with me. That he didnt want any other girl and why hadent he moved on me back then before i got with my fiance. When he had the chance!
I tried to tell him that we had to forget what had happened and get on with it. Its not like the way he says it is and he would find another girl…a better women than me!
He was nearly crying it was weird and i couldnt cope with this so i told him is that all…………… and thats when he bent over to kiss me!!
This time tho i didnt see my fiance, i seen him that man and i pulled bac and jumped out the car and got a taxi home.
Little before i returned home i asked the taxi man to stop because i need to vomit…………… it wasent just the achol it was the thought and feeling of what i had done 2months before that.
I was destroyed, i hated myself, i hated everything about me and i just was making myself and everything around me worse!!
The next days i didnt have any contact with this man and just acted like i was a robot. Didnt speak to anyone just did my jobs and cared for the baby.
After a week, i logged on to the internet and he was online ……. he had been worried he told me because i hadent returned his calls, sms or emails.
I just told him to forget about everything but this way we started talking on the chat about what had happened that night at the bar.
I told him that i was angry for all that what had happened and whta he had tried to make me feel jealous!!
Anyway we solved it and we left it at that …………… in the meanwhile we had started talking more and more about us.
I have to admit i did say alot of things i regret, but i did speak to him we had a relationship but i can see now i was lost.
My fiance was just not there for me………. its no excuse i know but thats just how it was…………………………….
On the 3rd day the baby wasn’t eating much but we got told that he would be able to leave I.C.U and go to the other ward which was the ward the baby’s stayed for a few nights until leaving for their homes. Like a last stop! Also the best thing about this ward wasn’t just that it was that we would get the chance to cuddle him, take him in my arms. What I had been waiting for since his birth! So as you can imagine we were so excited and I was also told at 12pm by my doctor that I would be able to feed my prince on the evening session at 19:30pm. We were both me & my fiancé were sooooo happy, excited and I was a little nervous wondering whether I would be able to feed him correctly. It was once again a great bunch mix of feelings….. I swore to god I hated those feelings I had after giving birth. Those hormones were terrible and still are.
We arrived at 19:30pm all ready to see him in the other ward full of happiness & excitement only to find out that he hadn’t been moved due to him having turned blue trying to drink his milk. The floor got took from under my feet. I felt terrible. I am sitting here trying to find the words to explain how bad I felt and how I felt when this happened but I can’t find the right words. Just put it this way I felt like someone was keeping my baby away from me like I had did something wrong and they were punishing me for it. It also didn’t help having some bitch nurse telling us this news with her nasty attitude. The stupid bitch she spoke to us as if we were shit.
Like we would have no feelings and like it was no big deal that we wouldn’t hold our baby son in our arms or feed him. I burst out in tears, all I wanted was the floor to open up and eat me up or even better for me to go in and take my son home. I just walked away because I was ready to punch her face in. I thought you cold cow…have some feelings!!! She came over and apologized but I wasn’t happy with that. Also she then said I could stay to feed him, probably because she was feeling sorry for what she had done. I felt like shit and was sooo fragile I felt I was going to just keep crying if I holded him in my arms and I was worried that my little prince would feel my tension. I didn’t want my first really cuddle to be like that so I got up without even saying goodnight to him…………….
That horrible cold bitch ruined my night and made me feel terrible. Once I walked out of the hospital I felt like smoking but didn’t because I thought of my little boy and my milk would be on its way. So I sat down to try to calm down. Once I had kinder calm down I thought why hadn’t I stayed to feed him but I knew at the time I wouldn’t have been able to. I had felt so bad with our news and not just that the way the nurse had told us it. Anyway a little later I told my fiancé I would not be able to return to my ward and see them other mums with their baby’s all happy, laughing and joking. So he called my doctor and told him how I felt and what had happened. My doctor agreed for my fiancé to take me home with him. So I got a good rest and away from all the other mums and baby’s.
On the way home I cried my eyes out………..all the way!
I couldn’t stop thinking I was leaving my baby boy all alone in that hospital and it didn’t help that the house we were staying in was far away (around 1hr from the hospital). Once we arrived home my fiancés family friends were waiting for us. It was their home we were staying at. They tried to ask questions but I wasn’t in any mood to answer them. So I left my fiancé to answer them. I went and took a long warm bath which I still believe was the best ever bath I have ever took. Mmmmmmm…….. Just thinking about it now, my bones and muscles were soothed by the water and bubbles.
I enjoyed it so much…..i actual had calmed down alot and was thinking straight now. I was thinking that my baby boy is better of there in the hospital. Even if i had him here, i wouldnt have been able to help him like the nurses there are. So i tried to just relax for mine and the babys sake because my milk was on its way. Also if you are stressed or sad there is a big percent that your milk may not come. So i went to sleep and oh my godddddddddd as soon as i hit that pillow i feel asleep like a baby. It was understandable due to me not have had any sleep the night before and i had give birth also hahahahaha……
The next morning i woke up and had a huge surprise……………
As you mums or mums to be all know is that every month you have to go for checkups. Here is how my checkups went…….The first 2months were just for me to becareful alot due to the first months it is much dangerous for loosing the baby. Anyway every month we went TOGETHER to the doctors it was great seeing this little thing growing, growing & growing inside of ME. I just couldn’t believe it was in my tummy. I thought it was just a tape and was showing us another person’s baby. Until my tummy started growing and weird movements. Then I started believing that something was in there.
Check up 4 It was around 4-5 months. Then it was our check up for finding out what sex the baby was. At first he couldn’t tell because our little one wouldn’t open their little legs for us to see. So I had to go for a drink and walk a little to help the baby change position. The doctor said for them to have their little legs crossed like that and for him to push on my tummy and they still never opened them, then it’s a little girl embarrassed to show us hahaha…….
We returned after walking around & drinking some water and going the toilet. They had their little legs open and the doctor could see from underneath that he was wrong and it was a LITTLE BOY.
We were having a little baby boy yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh………… A little prince of our own. I couldn’t believe it I was PREGNANT and it was a little BOY!! We were waiting for our first child which was going to be a little prince. I always wanted my first child to be a little boy. My wish had come true!!!!!
Check up 5 was my 5month into the pregnancy (20weeks). It was quiet a normal check up just to check my blood pressure, position of baby, baby’s heart beat and baby’s size/weight. Everything was tip top!!!!
Check up 6 was my 6month check up the doctor had to see whether the baby had Down syndrome. It’s a well known check up that a English man found and introduced it to the world. The doctor does this by measuring on the scan the fat liquid behind the baby’s neck and if it’s bigger than 4cms it means the baby would have this illness. Thankfully our baby boy had only 1.1cms. Also then they check for the nose bone because the children who have this illness usually don’t have a nose bone but once again our little solider had his. This check up gives you the chance to decide whether you are able or whether you want to have a child with this illness. So this appointment went great for us. On our way there, I had had been so nervous……and now everything was fine. It was like a big ton of bricks had been lifted off my back.
2weeks later we had to fly to Athens for a different checkup, this checkup was to see whether the baby had all his toes & fingers because they don’t have the equipment here on the island for those kinds of tests. It was basically to check he had all his bones in his body. Which I thought was very good that they check all these things now a day. First time I had heard about it. The appointment went fine we seen all his little fingers, toes, legs & arm bones. We even saw his little face. They took a picture of his little face in my tummy and it was so clear. That you could see everything. The doctor then told us that he has probably got his dads nose hahahahaha……. The best was he was smiling so the photo was fantastic……… It’s really amazing what they can do now with them scan machines.
Then we left Athens and came back home. We had to go to Athens for this test due to on this island they don’t have these special equipment & machines. No problem it was good for us to have a little break.
Once we arrived back the next day we had to take test results back to the doctor for him to see. He gave me some blood tests to go to get done the next morning. There were sugar blood tests etc. Which you go and drink this lemon flavored syrup type thing in water and then wait 3hours there in the surgery. That was terrible I couldn’t even go for a walk because they had to take my blood every hour and they told me walking is not good for me and would affect the accuracy of the results. Don’t ask….. I never did understand that! When they had finished the tests, my arms looked like I was some kind of a druggy…..hahahaha I had 2holes on each arm and the nurse had put some big plasters on them so it looked worst than what it was. I didn’t care I was just glad I was out of there and was able to get something to eat hahahaha……..
A couple of days later the results were back and the doctor called us in. We went and the doctor explained my test results to us. He told us that unfortunately I had diabetes with the pregnancy. I felt like the world had been taken from under my feet. I felt terrible! As soon as the doctor told me I had diabetes I thought it was my entire fault. I just kept thinking that the last couple of days I had been eating lots of sweets & deserts which weren’t like me and I thought it was because of this. I asked my doctor and he said no either you get it or you don’t it wasn’t something you could make yourself get. But no matter what you said to me or how much you explained it to me I still couldn’t stop blaming myself. The doctor explained to us that from now, until I give birth and the blackgutes gets disattached from me then I will have diabetes. He told me also that I had to be careful because if I didn’t this could be passed onto my baby. He explained how I had to take my blood (by spiking my finger) once in the morning before I ate, then 1 after lunch, then 1 after tea and 1before bed. My fingers were black & blue with lots of little holes on the tips of them. It made me feel sick every time not because of the blood this didn’t bother me. It was the thought that I was ill and I could pass this onto my baby. I felt terrible inside. I went home that night and cried my heart out and just thinking am not even a mummy yet and am getting it wrong what it’s going to be like when I do become a parent.
I was very unhappy for days, I tried to think about how things could be worst and that this was nothing we would get through it. But I had to take my blood so many times a day it got me down I just couldn’t forget about it…… it was there every day from first thing in the morning until last thing at night.
I tried my best to eat correctly. My doctor had given me a menu of what and how much I could eat……. It was like a diet. It was horrible. I couldn’t eat a lot of rice, spaghetti, bread etc I had to have small portions of proteins etc. I felt like my baby wanted me to eat something and I couldn’t. I felt terrible, the first few weeks but I started to get use to it. Of course I had my little moments the first days were I cried about it but slowly, slowly I got use to it.
Check up 7 was 2weeks later and I was 28 weeks pregnant and I had to go back for my doctor to see how I was getting on and to check the baby’s weight. He checked his weight due to if the diabetes has been passed through to him then he would have put a lot of weight on than he should have. But thankfully this appointment went ok too. He was fine and his weight was just right. My little prince was growing fast & strong!!!
For the next couple of weeks we would go for a quick check up to the doctor just for him to check the baby’s weight etc. We were doing well. I was being as careful as I could. Even though I would have a piece of chocolate a couple times a week. I couldn’t help myself…. It was soooo difficult. My & my little baby boy were doing fine.
Week 33 I remember it like it was yesterday. I could feel this weird feeling downstairs. I had had this feeling for over a week but I hadn’t told the doctor. I had mentioned it to my friend who’s a mum and my mother in law. My mother in law had told me to stop being stupid it’s nothing but once my friend heard what I had to say she told me to go the doctors straight away. The feeling was like my little fella had his feet down there kicking away. But it felt as if he was going to stick his foot out and wave to us with it hahaha……. It was a horrible & very weird feeling. The next day it got worst and I decided to take my friends advice and go to the doctors just to get the ok. So I did…………………
I called my doctor and he told me to go straight in. I was 32weeks pregnant & 6days. The doctor scanned my tummy and seen that the baby had turned all the way around and it was his little feet. I was right!!! It was what I had thought. So all you mummy’s to be listen here………. DON’T ever listen to others. Whatever you feel & whatever you worry about don’t hold back. What harm could it do just calling your doctor asking. DON’T listen to anyone else but yourself…& your feelings / your baby’s feelings. Anyway my doctor at this point began to explain how if my prince didn’t turn back I would have to give birth with c-section. Once again the first thing I thought of was that it was my fault that maybe I had lifted something or stretched & hurt him and he had turned due to this. Anyway the doctor told me to rest, feet up & relax because it was dangerous now. Due to the baby could kick at any time and break my waters.
We only had 4weeks left because they don’t let you go all the way if you have diabetes, they most often reduce you 2weeks early. Due to the last 2weeks being the most dangerous for the diabetes being passed over to the baby. So we all had our fingers crossed….Once again!!
We went home and I tried to eat lunch but I could feel a discomfort in my tummy low down and all I wanted to do was lay down. So my partner told me come on lets go to lye down. But I couldn’t get comfortable, I was tossing and turning. So my partner woke me up & called the doctor. The doctor told him to bring me straight in. So I had to get ready…………
As we were entering the doctor’s office, my mother in law was nearby and seen us. She came with me shouting “what’s wrong?? Calm down.” I was like I am calm but I can’t stop crying because I am in pain. I couldn’t be bothered with her to be honest. Not in a nasty way but you know she was the one who had told me it was nothing and if I had listened to her I wouldn’t have even gone the doctors, the baby could have kicked and broke my waters. She took me in her arms and told me don’t worry it’s just your hormones hahahahahaha………… I felt so frustrated. All of a sudden my boyfriend walked in and went straight in the doctors room. It is quiet funny now I think back about it. I imagine someone had been in there with their legs high up in the air hahahaha……. Thank god there wasn’t. Anyway we went straight in because my boyfriend throw the poor people out of their appointment hahaha…………………
I did a few tests and as the doctor took my scan he seen that the baby had turned back to his normal position, which was good news because now I could have a natural birth.
So he gave me a few tablets for the pains and said they would pass and that the pain is just from the baby turning so fast. But he explained that to be sure I should go every morning to check the contractions because on the test we did they were normal contractions and he was worried.
So after a few more tests he sent me home with painkillers, he told me to rest and call him every day. The worst thing was my doctor had to leave the island that night, he had to go to Athens for another patient who was going to give birth. My doctor wanted us to go with him but I told him I would wait until tomorrow and if it was still the same then we would go to Athens to do some tests. My doctor wasn’t sure but he agreed. There was nothing showing that the baby would come so early. I was only 33 weeks, so I had 4 more weeks until they would break my waters.
We arrived home and I rested all night massaging my tummy, telling him baby you’re not ready to come into this big scary world yet…..stay in mummy’s warm, cozy tummy & enjoy it while you can. The next 3days every morning I went to measure my contractions but unfortunately they hadn’t eased down. They had become stronger, especially at night. Saturday night they were bad and I started crying with the pain. My boyfriend couldn’t see me in this pain anymore so he said ‘we have to do something???, Something is wrong’ and so he did. We called my doctor he told me to take more doses of the painkillers but they only helped for a little while and then they came back. So at 2am my boyfriend went online to aegeanair.gr
We flew to Athens, arrived at around 9am at the hospital and I went straight in for tests. I was in till 11am just lying in a bed on a machine which was measuring my contractions. There was another women in the same room as me who was 41 weeks pregnant, 1week over her due date but her tummy was so tiny that she looked only 4-5months. She was having a little girl and was in a lot of pain. We were talking about how high the machine wrote my contractions and I could speak with it. I was in pain but after 3-4days of it I had kinder got use to it hahahahahaha………………………..
My doctor arrived and he told me because its Sunday & you pay double so we should go to his office 30mins away from the hospital. I just couldn’t help thinking when will this pain stop. I was tired of it and defiantly didn’t want to walk around. Anyway we arrived at his office and he examined me and found that I was 3points dilated but the baby hadn’t put his head down in the place ready to for birth. His head was just swinging around so he told me I had to go into hospital until I gave birth. But he said the good thing is it won’t be a month……. You will have giving birth in the next two weeks. He knew I hadn’t hospitals but what could I do I had to go for the the babys sake & mine. At that moment the scariness begun and felt like crying. I begged him at first for me not to go in but once I seen how serious he was and we did live 1hours drive from the hospital, I agreed I had to go into hospital and wait.
We arrived back at the hospital and my boyfriend started sorting out the papers, checking us in. An I went in to the changing room. There was a nurse he told me I had to take all my jewelry off and change my clothes. So I went out to my boyfriend who was standing there smiling filling out papers. I was texting my mum telling her that I would call her once I have been checked in and if anything changed my boyfriend would call. An all of a sudden………………. I burst out crying. I tried to hide it but there was an old woman there telling me “everything will be fine my dear, don’t worry!!!” Then my boyfriend came, he stared laughing saying “come on don’t cry, there’s nothing to worry about.” The worst thing was he couldn’t come in with me while I got ready and I felt alone and scared. I took my jewelry off but my engagement ring I told them I wasn’t taking off.
Just in case something happened to me I wanted to have this on me to keep me safe. An to feel loved. It’s weird to explain but am sure you women out there reading this can understand me……………….