We arrived back at the hospital and my boyfriend started sorting out the papers, checking us in. An I went in to the changing room. There was a nurse he told me I had to take all my jewelry off and change my clothes. So I went out to my boyfriend who was standing there smiling filling out papers. I was texting my mum telling her that I would call her once I have been checked in and if anything changed my boyfriend would call. An all of a sudden………………………………………I burst out crying. I tried to hide it but there was an old woman there telling me “everything will be fine my dear, don’t worry!!!” Then my boyfriend came, he stared laughing saying “come on don’t cry, there’s nothing to worry about.” The worst thing was he couldn’t come in with me while I got ready and I felt alone and scared. I took my jewelry off but my engagement ring I told them I wasn’t taking off. Just in case something happened to me I wanted to have this on me to keep me safe. An to feel loved. It’s weird to explain but am sure you women out there reading this can understand me……………….
My doctor came in while the nurse took my details. She told me to strip and put this horrible blue hospital slip on. So I asked why I couldn’t put my pajamas on. My doctor laughed and said “how will you give birth with you pajamas on” and then I felt the floor moving from under my feet. I was in shock….. The nurse was doing things, asking me things and I can’t remember answering anything. My doctor answered them for me. My eyes were watering and I felt so scared and alone. Then some young male nurse came talking away trying to take my mind off it but I couldn’t listen to him. I was so afraid, thinking will my baby be okay, it’s too early for him to come & these questions were just going over and over in my head. I got put in a bed with a drip on me and the machine again to measure contractions. Then my boyfriend walked in from head to foot in green hahahahaha he looked funny thinking about it now. At the time I was just so happy to see him, thinking now I’ll be fine he will be next to me and I felt I could do anything with him by my side. I started to forget or should I say not think so much of the baby being unwell when he arrived. My pains started to get worst and I could only think of my breathing and concentrate on how I should be breathing. I could see my boyfriend was turning white and he didn’t look well at all. The thing that finished him off was when the nurse brought him the piece of paper to sign which was to say that the hospital wasn’t responsible for anything that would happen to him. Hahahahaha…………………………………. He turned white from head to foot. But he didn’t want to leave me bless him. I told him to go outside and I would be fine. I had to, he was looking terrible and I had to concentrate on me & the baby. Not whether my boyfriend would be okay. Hahahaha!!!!!
All I remember was near the end a nurse and my doctor holded my legs back and told me to push and the nurse went flying hahahaha she was a bitch though because the cheeky bitch turned around and shouted at me for doing it wrong. I was like HEEELLLLOOOO am in pain here giving birth for the first time, am all alone, my babies 2months early and you’re telling me am doing it wrong!!!!! She was lucky I was just thinking how to get this baby out of me okay & I was in too much pain to kill her lol.
Then I remember that the doctor was holding my hand telling me everything was going to be fine and to hold on. But I felt so tired, I hadn’t eaten, nor slept & my heart felt like it had stopped….. I begged my doctor to give me some medicine…..I just wanted the epidural but he couldn’t give it to me he said it takes 10mins to work and I would have given birth within 5mins. An then I couldn’t do nothing else, not even think, I was rushed off into theater. They put my feet high up in them horrible things and my doctor told me to push one more time. There were about 10 nurses man/women. Which was abit humiliating but anyway a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. The last thing I remember was when I pushed I heard a little cry and I thought he’s out but then I felt him kick me. He was only half out and then I pushed a little more and the doctor pulled him out. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. They weighed him put him in a blanket and brought him to me. I couldn’t believe my eyes…… He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He was gorguess, he was soooo tiny and then he went to cry and I said “Eeee…..no no sunshine…” and he stopped. He holded my little finger with his gorguess tiny hand. I was full of happiness it was the best moment, the happiest, and the most exciting moment I had ever been in. It was truly just like a dream come true. There was only one person missing…………………………….DADDY!!!!My doctor was calling for him but no sign. Then I asked him where is he and my doctor shouted at the nurses to go and find him ASAP. I carried on cuddling my baby boy. He was all I could have ever wished for!!!!!!
After they stitched me up…….which was probably the worst bit of it all and the most painfulness. But they were very clever, they had given me the baby to hold first so I couldn’t shout or move. Honestly I wanted to kill them I was in so much pain again, I could feel everything but I was amazed with my new born baby boy. He was perfect!!!
After they finished stitching me up they took the baby off me, he had to go upstairs to intensive care. It was a horrible feeling having him took from me, i had only just giving birth to him but I knew they had to it was for the best. A male nurse came to take me into the other room. He attached the other half of the bed to the half I was sitting on and I felt like he kicked my insides. It killed I was already hurting and in so much pain……MEN!!! Then another younger male nurse came and rolled me into the next room but from every doorway we passed the was a ramp on the floor. Which it nearly finished me off, I must have bitten all of my lips to pieces with holding my anger in. But then we stopped and there he was my boyfriend with a big worried, happy, cheerful & one of kind smile on his face. I was just glad to see him. When I looked in his eyes I could see them full with tears of happiness & I could feel my own doing the same. He came over to me & kissed me with a quick cuddle to follow. Then he was back to himself teasing me asking were my tummy had disappeared to. It was amazing in one way but in the other upsetting that my baby bump had disappeared. I was like okay then was that a dream or did I just give birth and if so where’s my gorguess little baby boy. I was exhausted and just wanted to take my baby in my arms and fall asleep cuddling him.
Then my doctor told us they had to take me in the next room for 2hours to rest and to keep an eye on me so I never lost anymore blood etc. A n once again I was all alone again. My doctor kept coming and going checking on me, he was by my side but what can I say its not the same. All I wanted was to have my little boy with me and my boyfriend. With my tiredness I nodded on and off but nurses kept walking backwards and forwards past me. My doctor was funny when he brought me a box of chocolates and said look now you can eat something sweet. But I felt sick and very tired I refused.
Then as I was thinking okay its over with now the worst of the pain, its just getting through the healing but how wrong was i…………………………………. some horrible oldish female nurse came over my bedside and told me to open my legs, so I did. An then saddening she shuffed this long stick thing inside of me. It was like a long straw. She told me it was to check for bleeding but I died with the pain!!! Once I got my breath back I asked her whether she was a mother and she answer me with a snotty attitude “Yes , I am why do you ask?” I felt like saying because you fucking stupid bitch, haven’t you got any pitty for me. I have only just gave birth, I am all stitched up and swollen down there and you have just stuck a straw thing in there not even trying to becarefull!!!!!!!!!” But because I was in no mood to argue I just asked whether they were natural births or c-sections. Guess what……she had had both children through c-section. So she couldn’t even begin to understand the pain I was in down there.
Anyway the 2hours pasted thank god, I was feed up watching the clock and just wanted to go to the ward to rest!!! This young nurse who was in on the birth came to get me and he must have been gay. No offence to gays, I love them but he was so nice and you could just tell by his talking. I was in no mood though for his conversations he was trying to make with me. Oh and we had all the ramps again in every doorway. I am denfitenly sure it was a male who designed them doorways. I was like ‘Oh my god, how many more??? I cant cope!!’
Then we arrived on the ward 5th floor. Every door way we pasted they had big balloons & flowers outside. It was lovely & exciting to see. I was sure every time we pasted a blue balloon that it was my stop. But I was wrong outside my room there was nothing. Which I suddenly felt empty and lost the excitement I had inside of me. We entered my room where there was another 2 ladies with their husbands. They put me in bed and there was no sign of my husband-to be. This made me feel sick. Once again I felt so alone and all my dreams about how this would/should have been were being destroyed but then I found a lovely little blue baby boy teddy in my bed waiting for me with a balloon attached to my bed. I began to relax. A kind gentleman, one of the ladies husbands offered me there mobile to call him. So I did and told him I was waiting in the room. He came after 10mins and I felt a lot better seeing him but still I just wanted to go home with our newborn baby to sleep altogether. As I knew this wasn’t going to happen I tried to relax and we just sat there chatting away about what our newborn baby looked like and what our experiences were like. After 2hours I couldn’t relax as much as I wanted because I was still with that horrible hospital blue wrap around thing on me. I felt dirty and just wanted to get showered and put my pyjamas on and go to see our baby. So I asked the nurse and she told me it was best to leave it for tonight and to go tomorrow but of course not I had to go now. I wanted to see again before I went to sleep and wish him sweet dreams. I wanted to make sure he knew we were waiting for him to get better and he did have a mummy & daddy waiting for him. He wasent alone.
The nurse told me she would have to join me bathroom so that she could watch that I didn’t faint or anything. I told her that my fiancé would come in with me but he never I alos told him if I needed anything I would shout him. So I had my shower fix a little of my hair and brushed my teeth and I was ready. Ready to go to see my son!!!!
We took the lift down because it was 4floors to intensive care. Once I left the lift I felt myself getting dizzy so I quickly sat down and said to my fiancé ‘shhhhhhhh….. don’t tell anyone. I just need to sit down for 1minute and then we can go in’ he laughed and said its fine to take as long as I needed. After a couple of minutes I returned to my feet and we entered the intensive care unit. There were 3 rooms, room 1 was the worst room on the ward it was for the babies who were touch and go, room 2 was a little bit better and room 3 was were our little boy was which was for the babies who had little problems. As soon as I walked in I could feel my heart racing. And then I saw him, this tiny beautiful baby lying there in this horrible incubator helpless. I sudden remembered my little sister (Yes, one of my sisters died at 1month old) and the last time I saw her she was in a incubator. I began to start feeling sick & very scared. I didn’t want to leave him I want to take him in my arms and cuddle him. But instead all I could do was hold his little hand. Telling him that mummy & daddy were there waiting to take him home and that’s why he had to grow stronger so that we could take him home to play. It broke my heart seeing him like this but I tried to keep telling myself it was for the best. But like any other mother on this planet, I think you will all agree with me that the best thing for our children is giving by us mums. That’s how I felt anyway that I had to help him in some way. I had to show him how much I loved him and make him feel our love and that we were both there waiting for him to get better. After 20mins we blow him kisses good night and it killed me but we left the ward. Visiting time was over. Now I knew I had to go upstairs to rest and in a few minutes my fiancé would have to leave too and I would be alone again. Anyway we returned to my room and chatted for half an hour until visiting time was over. Then kissed goodnight and off he went to get a taxi.