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Our difficult 11 days

Our difficult 11 days……………….

On the 3rd day the baby wasn’t eating much but we got told that he would be able to leave I.C.U and go to the other ward which was the ward the baby’s stayed for a few nights until leaving for their homes. Like a last stop! Also the best thing about this ward wasn’t just that it was that we would get the chance to cuddle him, take him in my arms. What I had been waiting for since his birth! So as you can imagine we were so excited and I was also told at 12pm by my doctor that I would be able to feed my prince on the evening session at 19:30pm. We were both me & my fiancé were sooooo happy, excited and I was a little nervous wondering whether I would be able to feed him correctly. It was once again a great bunch mix of feelings….. I swore to god I hated those feelings I had after giving birth. Those hormones were terrible and still are.

We arrived at 19:30pm all ready to see him in the other ward full of happiness & excitement only to find out that he hadn’t been moved due to him having turned blue trying to drink his milk. The floor got took from under my feet. I felt terrible. I am sitting here trying to find the words to explain how bad I felt and how I felt when this happened but I can’t find the right words. Just put it this way I felt like someone was keeping my baby away from me like I had did something wrong and they were punishing me for it. It also didn’t help having some bitch nurse telling us this news with her nasty attitude. The stupid bitch she spoke to us as if we were shit.

Like we would have no feelings and like it was no big deal that we wouldn’t hold our baby son in our arms or feed him. I burst out in tears, all I wanted was the floor to open up and eat me up or even better for me to go in and take my son home. I just walked away because I was ready to punch her face in. I thought you cold cow…have some feelings!!! She came over and apologized but I wasn’t happy with that. Also she then said I could stay to feed him, probably because she was feeling sorry for what she had done. I felt like shit and was sooo fragile I felt I was going to just keep crying if I holded him in my arms and I was worried that my little prince would feel my tension. I didn’t want my first really cuddle to be like that so I got up without even saying goodnight to him…………….

That horrible cold bitch ruined my night and made me feel terrible. Once I walked out of the hospital I felt like smoking but didn’t because I thought of my little boy and my milk would be on its way. So I sat down to try to calm down. Once I had kinder calm down I thought why hadn’t I  stayed to feed him but I knew at the time I wouldn’t have been able to. I had felt so bad with our news and not just that the way the nurse had told us it. Anyway a little later I told my fiancé I would not be able to return to my ward and see them other mums with their baby’s all happy, laughing and joking. So he called my doctor and told him how I felt and what had happened. My doctor agreed for my fiancé to take me home with him. So I got a good rest and away from all the other mums and baby’s.

On the way home I cried my eyes out………..all the way!

I couldn’t stop thinking I was leaving my baby boy all alone in that hospital and it didn’t help that the house we were staying in was far away (around 1hr from the hospital).        Once we arrived home my fiancés family friends were waiting for us. It was their home we were staying at. They tried to ask questions but I wasn’t in any mood to answer them. So I left my fiancé to answer them. I went and took a long warm bath which I still believe was the best ever bath I have ever took. Mmmmmmm…….. Just thinking about it now, my bones and muscles were soothed by the water and bubbles.

IT WAS FANTASIC…………………………..

I enjoyed it so much…..i actual had calmed down alot and was thinking straight now. I was thinking that my baby boy is better of there in the hospital. Even if i had him here, i wouldnt have been able to help him like the nurses there are. So i tried to just relax for mine and the babys sake because my milk was on its way. Also if you are stressed or sad there is a big percent that your milk may not come. So i went to sleep and oh my godddddddddd as soon as i hit that pillow i feel asleep like a baby. It was understandable due to me not have had any sleep the night before and i had give birth also hahahahaha……

The next morning i woke up and had a huge surprise……………