Well, i think its time to finish off with my story………………..
It was the hardest time in my life (right upto today) and dont you guys go thinking that i have passed it and its all ok now. (keep these words i will come back to it in my next post!!!)
Anyway after what had happened i just tried to forget it but it didnt help me that he was still trying to get intouch with my through the internet, telephone and even while we were out with my fiance.
I have to be honest at the time my fiance wasent helping me at all, i was soooooooo down the only time i was ok and forgeting about all our problems and i felt like the teenage women i was, was when i was in his company.
Just when we were out and i was near him, i have to say he did do some stupid things like speak to me in my ear even while my fiance was around which honestly made me feel sick. I felt so bad and disrespectful not just to my fiance tho to my whole family. My son and even my parents! I had failed everyone and i just couldnt help myself i was so down and sensitive i was just making everything worst with my words or actions.
I honestly tried, i even told him many of times just to leave me alone and that i couldnt cope no more cheating like this.
I had some really bad days that i really felt i needed him like i would be down and just need a shoulder to cry on
so i would chat to him on the internet or telephone and he would make me feel better.
And alot of the time we jsut spoke about stupid things, alot of the time i would talk to him about how i felt being a mum and with the baby.
We hardly spoke about what had happened. I think intotal we spoke once afterwards it happened and then another time just before my fiance found out.
I had him just like a friend to chat too.
I tried communicating with my fiance but everytime he would just disappear ………… i mean just with a sentence or something he would say i would push him away.
Even tho i was hurting so much inside and wanted to pull him to me as much as i could. Instead i would push him far far away…………
It just was impossible for him to understand me……..even tho he had brought me that piece of paper what he had found off the internet about the blues (posnatal depression) but he was just acting like nothing was going on and showing me that he just didnt care.
The most difficult for us i think was that we didnt know each other well enough to understand each others actions at the time. Like now without us speaking , we can both understand what the other one is feeling. We can look more into it without even talking.
I know its a pity that we had to go through that and learn this way but i do believe that it gave us both a very good lesson.
Especially me, I learnt the hard way but it was probably just written in my road (meaning it just was meant to be).
I suppose i just have to think of this way, because i can’t keep beating myself up for this mistake i made while i wasent myself.
I was ill!!!!!!!!!!!
I can finally amitted to it, I was ill, i am not perfect like everyone i am just human and yes at the time i wasent a good wife neither a good mum!!!
This will always hurt me, but its over and done now i can’t change times i can only learn from this and try and make things better.
After around 2months of this thing chewing inside of me………………….
We were going out alot in the company of the other man but we would just be ourselves.
Sometimes he would look at me and i could see it in his eyes………….. but i would just turn away!
My husband was still on a different planet, and i was still tryin to shout out to him but he would just throw it back in my face with his answer.
I didnt even want to have sex no more, i wasent confident no more about my body and i just wanted for someone to help me.
But no one was there for me just this man listening to my call for help and ok of course hes a man and he was waiting for something else but he didnt make me feel like this and i am sure he knew that we would never meet up again.
A couple of days before my fiance found out he was talking to me more and more on the internet and i was getting confused between conversations.
Your all going to think am mad but at the time i probably was…………….. (i look back myself and think woooooo that was not me!!)
I would be speaking with this man (my fiances friend) on the internet and i would think it was my fiance. Its weird now trying to explain to u guys but i would have very mixed up feelings like…….one minute i would say yeh ok all good and the next i would be like oh my god what am i doing>??? and would shut off the computer!!
Everynight i would be home alone and when me fiance was home he would go downstairs in the garage to play cards with his friends and leave me all alone.
I still remember the feeling that i was just a robot looking after him and his son.
I just needed help from someone…. someone to take interest in me………… to ask HOW I WAS!!!!
I read a nice saying in book on depression which said “After a baby is born, people forget to ask how the mother is, forget to ask her how she is coping & how she is feeling. And of course if the mum isnt ok then neither will the baby be because the mum is one who keeps the baby well!”.
I totally agree so now when i go to houses where babys have been born i always ask about baby of course but then i always look into the mums eyes and ask her how she is feeling!!!!
Anyway to finish this story off………………
Is that i did meet up with him again……. right before my fiance found out but nothing happened insept for him trying to.
I had had an agruement with my fiance at the time and my sons godmother had told me to go out with her for a few drinks with her and our male friend.
We went out spoke a little and at the end of the night we ended up at the same bar as my fiance and that man.
My fiance had also went out for some drinks with his friends and that man but he ended up leaving early but the other stayed.
Once my fiance left, that man came over and told me and i just egnored him.
I had gone out with my friends to have fun not for anythign else i just wanted to get drunk and leave all the problems behind.
I danced, laughed and joked.
All that eveving the man had came closer to our company with his friend speaking to two girls trying to make me jealous. At this point i thought what a child, what is he trying to gain.
I have to tell you the truth i didnt get jealous because i liked him i got jealous and angry because i thought he was a friend he really did feel something for me not just THE SOMETHING HE COULDNT HAVE!!
So i acted normal and didnt pay attention even when they were sending drinks over etc.
At the end i was going the toilet and i seen my fiance and this mans company of friends they shouted me over and one of his other friends got hold of me and hugged me telling me we are going to have shots.
So we did and when i returned back to the bar after the toilet the men turned around and whisphered in my ear ” ooooo is it like that then”
He was meaning that i was talking to the others and not him ……..i didnt pay any attention like i told u before i was out to forget all this shit that was going on.
But i was starting to get the picture… that this man thought it was a game!
I was like this is my life what am i doing!!!!
So the bar closed and we all left……… he told me he would take me home and i said no hes did enough!!!!!!!
When i was walking to the car he called me and told me he needs to talk to me urgently……… i told him i could speak over the internet or telephone the next day but he refused pleding me he needed to see me.
I argeed fo 5minutes. So i went and meet him in the car parking and when i got into his car he just stared at me……. at this point i was veryyyyyyyyyy drunk but still could understand everything what was going on!
I asked him what he wanted because i had to leave and go home to my family.
He started to say he needed me and that he was truely and deeply in love with me. That he didnt want any other girl and why hadent he moved on me back then before i got with my fiance. When he had the chance!
I tried to tell him that we had to forget what had happened and get on with it. Its not like the way he says it is and he would find another girl…a better women than me!
He was nearly crying it was weird and i couldnt cope with this so i told him is that all…………… and thats when he bent over to kiss me!!
This time tho i didnt see my fiance, i seen him that man and i pulled bac and jumped out the car and got a taxi home.
Little before i returned home i asked the taxi man to stop because i need to vomit…………… it wasent just the achol it was the thought and feeling of what i had done 2months before that.
I was destroyed, i hated myself, i hated everything about me and i just was making myself and everything around me worse!!
The next days i didnt have any contact with this man and just acted like i was a robot. Didnt speak to anyone just did my jobs and cared for the baby.
After a week, i logged on to the internet and he was online ……. he had been worried he told me because i hadent returned his calls, sms or emails.
I just told him to forget about everything but this way we started talking on the chat about what had happened that night at the bar.
I told him that i was angry for all that what had happened and whta he had tried to make me feel jealous!!
Anyway we solved it and we left it at that …………… in the meanwhile we had started talking more and more about us.
I have to admit i did say alot of things i regret, but i did speak to him we had a relationship but i can see now i was lost.
My fiance was just not there for me………. its no excuse i know but thats just how it was…………………………….